Death Benefits

March 10, 2008
Psychotherapist Safer appears to be targeting surviving adult children of dysfunctional parents when she claims, “The death of your parents can be the best thing that ever happens to you.” Safer (The Normal One: Life with a Difficult or Damaged Sibling
) describes her own mother as an unhappy woman who viewed her daughter as an extension of herself; she also relates anecdotes from patients and 60 interviewees whose parents were critical or rejecting, or who significantly impeded their children’s happiness and personal growth. In other cases, parents dominated their children’s lives because of prolonged illness. Safer offers some perspective along with helpful exercises for adult children to begin to heal from emotional wounds inflicted by their parents. For instance, just as one sorts through a parent’s physical possessions and keeps some while discarding others, one can do the same with parents’ emotional legacy. Some will be shocked by the central idea of Safer’s book; others seeking to free themselves from ties that have bound too tightly will welcome Safer’s message: there’s no need to feel guilty about a sense of freedom and finding one’s true self after a parent’s death.